well. finally i'm blogging 'cos i'm in the mood for it somehow. feeling quite emo right now. being reminded of the past isn't the best thing to do right now. but it's all i can do just to keep myself sane. the only thing i can ever do is think of the past. it's the only thing keeping me from being in-sane.

it's been more than a year but the thoughts that still linger in my mind are still fresh from the wound that i once bore. even though these days i don't any emotions at all to anything or whatsoever; the only thing i can feel is the past that i had with you.

but what does it all mean in the end? does it serve to propogate and actually keep myself sane with a past that i filled myself with of sorrow and hurt? no, it's not the sorrow and hurt from you being away from me even though it means nothing at all like a lingering memory. it's the sorrow and hurt that i was able to learn from you leaving me altogether. it's all these sorrow and hurt that i was able to move away from my shell that i built around me.

everday that seems to me like a moment in time. seems to past so slowly even though it's been quick enough to fast forward it to more than a year already. but even then. this stop of a moment in time seems to hang on to me like a shadow. constantly reminding me that nothing can ever be forever.

i once believed that no matter what it takes. if one is willing, he/she can overcome all things. but now i've come to believe that nothing else in this moment of time is able to change unless i am able to turn back to where it was.

back then i hated myself for what i did. have you ever wondered what you're best at? sometimes, what you excel in is the one thing that can hurt the people around you most too. it's the one single reason that keeps me from being able to feel anything anymore. maybe it's better this way. to know what i'm able to do isn't exactly what i wanna be. it's not the way i chose myself to do.

maybe it's God that has already willed me to do so right from the start when i found His arms again. the one thing that i never understood was why nothing came to me in the end.

and all i can ever do and think to myself. is the past that keeps me sane and keeps me alive for my future.

until then... who knows what may happen.

as usual, a poem for all the readers.

A Night to Dawn

As I linger into the darkness that takes me to happiness,
all I could see was the light that was once there.
Glimmering it seems; only to fade away from all.
This beauty of darkness isn't what people would think,
only to some within this darkness;
is their only life.

All that I saw wasn't sadness; of the spring's bloom,
and a winter's dark that howled.
Of seasons that may seem to change,
only one remains.

What it'd be, I'll never know.
Only to pass of what it may be,
and only to come to those who sought
and understand what beauty it is.
Of a happy dark,
and darkness blooms happiness.